didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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