I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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