who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
