it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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