oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
