Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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