Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
