shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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