if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
