After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
