If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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