Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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