Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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