Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
