In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize