Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
