I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
