And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
