i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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