I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
