No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
