He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
