The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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