I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
