just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
ttyl tear gas
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i think i just lost a toe
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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