This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
