Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need to stop coming to work sober
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This baby is an asshole
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
