I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
