ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
