i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
