So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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