you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
