It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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