That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
