FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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