You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
