I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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