Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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