I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
