Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
