i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
