my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
