thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
