Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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