can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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