I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Randomize
