Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
