Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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