Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
