Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
