you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
