I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
