im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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