I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The struggles of a small town man whore
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
